


Dear Father, Your Children are Idiots

by otterdictator



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels Are Weird, Angels are Dicks, Castiel is best, Chuck is God, God is an Assbutt, God is not a good dad, The Winchesters are Unwilling Janitors, cursing, humor?, mixed format, non-canon angels, rapid shifts in tone, stupid things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-27 20:18:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5062654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otterdictator/pseuds/otterdictator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the singular parental unit is away, the children shall royally fuck things up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Department of Could Have Fixed This A Long Time Ago But Dad Said No

**Author's Note:**

> Questionable grammer and a lot of derping.
> 
> Also, unnamed divine characters with cannibalistic tendencies.

_Dear Father,_

_Please come home soon._

_Heaven hasn't been quite...right since you left._

"How many pleas for Dad to return does this make?" 

"Exactly three hundred million, seven-"

"So basically, an 'assbutt' load." 

"...did you just use Castiel's insult?" 

"...It seemed fitting. Though I can think of many stronger words to say." 

"Please don't." 

"Fine, but we need to do something about this entire situation."

"Should we go visit Father? It will be easy enough to see Him in person." 

"And what exactly to you expect Dad to do? Besides give some excuse about 'free will' and 'the Winchesters will handle it' and 'your siblings are just having some harmless fun'. Fuckingdeadbeatassbutt. I can see it now, Dad just...telling us to leave everything alone while our aunt pigs out on souls and Metadouche douches on everything."

"Brother!"

"What? It's true."

"It isn't polite."

"We weren't created to be polite. We were created to keep problems from becoming unmanageable." 

"Things are not unmanageable yet."

"That does not fill me with any kind of confidence. In fact, that statement does the exact opposite of fill me with confidence. You do remember the last time you said that we ended up with **two** major human wars because Samael wanted Dad to pay attention to him." 

"It is not time for us to step in. Have patience brother." 

"..."

"If we need to step in, we will. Do not worry."

"But-"

"Nothing permanently harmful will happen to Castiel. I have Seen that."

"Fine."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"I am going to kill Metatron and devour his Grace regardless of how this turns out."

"That is acceptable. Also, I do not understand why you are so affectionate towards Castiel. He does not know that we exist."

"Shut up."


	2. Department of Dad Giving The Mark To Lulu Is Not A Good Idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahahhaahaaa...bad grammer

_...and our Father made a key to the prison, a Mark of great power, to lock the Darkness away..._

In a particular personal paradise, carefully sealed away from the rest of Heaven, a group of angelic beings stare wordlessly at God. 

The silence does not last long. 

"YOU WANT TO DO WHAT." The room descends into chaos, His children losing their human guises out of shock, filling with white fire and semi-incoherent screeching.

"It has been done." God states quiet amusement, clearly unconcerned by the aura of horrified disbelief radiating from His (flailing) children. "I have full faith in Lucifer's ability to carry the Mark." 

The room goes quiet at His remark. "...hold up, you _already_ gave Lulu the Mark." One blaze of fire states with a low growl, flame-body beginning to reform into human guise.

"I did." 

His child, now fully human-shaped, scowls and glares in a decidedly un-pious manner. "You gave Lucifer the Mark. Lucifer. Your child who has openly stated that he wants to kill humans."

"Have more faith in your older brother, he knows better than to let his emotions command him." God's voice is calm, but edged with warming, "Lucifer is old enough to handle the responsibility of carrying the Mark."

"Oh, really?" It is impossible to miss the sarcasm, laced with poisonous doubt.

In seconds tension fills the room as son challenges Father.

The other celestials are quiet, still with worry and fear.

A moment passes and the tense atmosphere bleeds away. His son looks away and deflates, aggression gone. "Yes, Father. I am sorry Father." The tone is meek, almost submissive, and God feels that His son is truly repentant. 

"You are forgiven My son. Now, let's consider this issue resolved." Though His tone is gentle, His son still flinches at the reprimand. With that God leaves the paradise, confident in His actions, while his un-named children watch with disbelief. 

A silent moment passes. The only human-shaped child blinks and cocks its head to the side. "We are so fucked."


	3. Department of Dad You Are So Very Dead When This Is Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during seasons 5 through 7, with spoilers for season 8.
> 
> Also, God is an Assbutt.

"Lucifer's out." _Anger wrapped in inky black humor._

"Great."

"He's killing all the pagan deities and having a lot of fun while he's at it." _Sorrow hidden by false cheer._

"Has he killed Gabriel yet?" _Just another thing to strike off the list._

"No. It'll happen soon." _Bitter amusement. Poisonous doubt ripening in a bruised heart._ "Not that our brother is going to stay dead."

"Time to start suggesting things to Raphael then." _Whispering in the ear of that over-inflated dick is going to be easy._ "Make sure our sister unleashes the Leviathans from their cages in Purgatory. Castiel has to be the one to release them on Earth." _I'm sorry brother, but that is the best case senario._

"Why must we do this?" _Dread and remorse._

"Because Metatron wrote that this would happen." _Hate that son of a douche, even if that makes all of us children of a douche._ "And he has to be right no matter what the cost."

"Why does Father continues to allow that...delusional _thing_ to dictate Heaven's actions?" _Doubt and misery. Questioning Father **hurts**._

"I have many theories, but I rather not start screaming blasphemy while we have work to do." _Still going to think it though._ "There will be time to regret our actions later brother. For now, let's try to keep as many of our siblings alive as possible." _I hate you Dad. If Dean Winchester doesn't kill you, I will._

_You made us to love and protect our siblings. You will **pay** for making us kill them._


	4. Department of Free Will

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cause Meg. 
> 
> And I decided that the OC squad will be called the Unnamed. Cause they have no names. I am clever. 
> 
> The Unnamed have strong views. How true their viewpoints are is debatable.

_To name something is to give it power._

"Please, let me be on time." 

Our prayers are never answered. I suppose it makes sense, we have no names for the prayer to be traced back to, no souls for faith to dwell in. It shouldn't be a surprise when I end up being too late, again. 

"I am sorry." Apologies mean nothing to a corpse, but it feels right to say one anyway. Especially since Meg had no idea that she was helping us. Lucifer would say that she had been an "unwitting pawn" in this game of celestial chess. 

It hurts to act like Father does, making others dance like puppets on strings. It might be why so many of my siblings have let themselves fade into nothing. 

If Meg had been one of ours, we might have been able to give her a second chance at life. It isn't like Father notices when the dead go missing, especially now that he has decided that this situation isn't His fault. 

At least the Winchesters got away.

At least Castiel still lives. 

At least Metatron's game has been derailed just the slightest bit. 

"This sucks." It does. This situation (the coming Apocalypse and what comes after) is terrible in more ways than any of us can count, though I can think of a few major points.

My remaining siblings trapped in Heaven, desperately trying to keep the Levaithans locked away a little longer so that mankind has enough time to prepare. Our Father refusing to take responsibility for what he has wrought and leaving the vaguest fucking instructions on what to do next. Metatron writing whatever _he_ wants to write, because Father isn't there to watch him. 

It is like Father just expects us to roll over and die. 

Too bad for Metatron and Father we are capable of making our own choices. The choices I make, that we all make, might be absolute trash but at least we will have chosen at all. 

Naomi would say that giving us free will was a design flaw. My little sister can bite me. Actually, speaking of her...

It will take most of my reserves, but I will give Castiel the chance to truly be free. He deserves it, especially with all the shit that Metatron is going to put him through. 

He'll be a real unicorn Meg, it's the least my siblings and I can do. 

"You hear me Naomi? Castiel won't be your toy soldier for much longer." Not that Naomi is listening to the shouting of an Unnamed.

Now, my sister is free to control Castiel as she has in the past, and she will, but I can't wait to see her face when she realizes that her mind control tricks have stopped working. Resistance may take a while to build, but once my brother has it...it will be like riding a bike. 

Well, time is short and I must rest.

But, when Castiel and the Winchesters make Heaven their bitch, I am going to be there to remind Metatron and Naomi why we where left Unnamed.


	5. Department of What Else Do You Expect Us To Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cause I can?

"What are you doing brother?" 

"Things."

"Elaborate please."

"Oh, just the usual. Maintaining the celestial power grid, contemplating whether or not to get Lucifer into therapy, watching porn." 

"...Porn? As in human porn."

"What? Did you expect me to be watching demonic porn? That stuff is boring as Hell. Pun intended."

"Brother, why are you watching porn?"

"...cause I can?" 

"..."

"..."

"...uh..."

"You going to say something brother? Or should I put 'Dirty Angels: Raw and Rough' on the main screen for everyone to watch?"

"...buh...?"

"I will take at as a yes. Just one second...and done!" 

"..."

"This is going to be _good_."

(From their other siblings):

_"Woohoo! Titties!"_

_"Why is that woman pushing her hand into-"_

_"Yay, penis!"_

"Brother."

"Yeeeeees?"

"Next time, we are watching hentai."

"Okay. But why?"

"I've seen it all already."

"Oh..."

"..."

"Wait...what do you mean 'you've seen it all already'?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"So..."

"Quiet."

"All those missed calls-"

_"Quiet."_

"You totally spent the Apocalypse watching porn. Well done brother, well done." 

"..."

"I'm finally corrupting you. Sweet."

"...you are no longer my favorite sibling."

"Totally worth it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe if we blaspheme enough Dad will actually pay attention for once."
> 
> "I do not believe that plan will work."
> 
> "Bite me."


	6. Department of There Is Little To Laugh At In Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personalities start to appear! The Unnamed still don't have names.
> 
> Metadouche is a Transformer?

"I am beginning to think that Dad hasn't actually noticed our meddling."

"Really? So...?"

"Well, He hasn't treated any of the 'super convenient timing' bullshit that has been happening to the Winchesters as unusual." 

"He could just be pretending not to notice."

"Or He could just be an oblivious douche-horse."

"Well...some of the our interference has been subtle..."

"How is awakening Cain's murder-lust subtle?" 

"It would have happened eventually?"

"Crowley being able to turn angel blades into bullets."

"He is the King of Hell?"

"Rowena mysteriously being able to enslave a Seraph."

"..."

"..."

"...okay, He should have noticed that." 

"You think?" 

"So, what should we do then?"

"Find Metatron and devour his Grace while he watches?"

"Brother what is with you and wanting to kill Metatron?"

"Dad should have named him Starscream, then it wouldn't be nearly so surprising when shit goes south."

"Brother."

"I want to kill Naomi too. I would say that I want to kill Raphael, but Castiel got to him first." Beat of silence. "I am so proud of Castiel." 

"...Brother..."

"What? I like Castiel."

"That did not answer my question."

"That totally answered your question."

"Brother, just because Father used your blueprint to program Castiel-"

**_"What. About. It."_ **

"I...I am sorry. I did not...mean to hurt you by bringing that up." 

"Just forget it."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"I fucking hate our old man." 

"I am beginning to share your opinion." 

"You want to replace all the sugar in his food with salt?"

"That is petty. I will join you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is somewhat based on the idea that Chuck most likely had a couple of formats that he used when making angels. I mean, there are only so many ways to have someone be loyal/loving.


	7. Department of That Is A Bad Plan And We Are Gonna Do It Anyway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hurr deeeeerp.
> 
> Hahaha....Fuck Naomi.

"What are you doing?" Our little sister looks pissed, though her suit is pristine as always. 

"Greetings Naomi." Most of my siblings would say that there is no point in being polite with Naomi, but it doesn't hurt to be polite. 

Actually, speaking of my siblings, our little sister is very lucky that a certain brother of mine is not in residence today. He would do his best to kill her, and he would likely succeed. For better or for worse, I am the only one in the Office of the Unnamed. 

Yes, our "department" is called the Office of the Unnamed. It really isn't a creative title, but it works. 

"What have you done to Castiel? Do you know how many-" 

"Lives are at stake? Yes, we do little sister." Long experience has taught me to cut Naomi off when she starts ranting. If I don't, things tend to end in very ugly manner. "But that isn't why you are angry." 

She glares at me. Her eyes are shiny, like transparent plastic buttons. It would be easy to rip them from her head or melt them in their sockets. I will refrain from harming her at this time, my brother deserves to draw her blood first. 

"Naomi, little sister, you are angry because we have shown that your powers are not infalliable." I watch as her mouth twists into a scowl. 

"You don't have the righ-"

 **"We have every right."**

Her flinch is gratifying. It feeds a part of me that craves the fear of my siblings, that wants to make them remember the days when Father was more cruel than kind. 

"We gave you your powers. We can take them back just as easily." The sides of my mouth curl upwards, baring my teeth for her to see. "Father may have made you, but we are the ones who care for all Grace. If we so desired, and some of us do, we can take back the Grace we gave you."

Her fear is sweet. The atmosphere is saturated with it, flavored by her horrified outrage at my claim. I look into her pretty, button eyes and let her see that I say the true. It is an endless job, each angel's Grace needing to be nourished and replenished constantly. Only the Unnamed can care for an angel's Grace, our lack of names and souls ensure that we do not taint the Grace of our siblings. For an angel to have their Grace tainted is to suffer a slow death, a fate that Castiel barely escaped. 

It took a lot of work to purify Castiel's Grace, though his status as a Seraph did make things easier. Lucky, beloved Castiel. 

We so rarely bother to help those who taint themselves with the Grace of another. 

"As for what we are doing, I shall borrow the words of my brother." 

I may not have wings. I may not have a name. But I can use all the Grace I desire, a perk of being what I am, and Naomi is powerless to stop me. 

"Fuck the Plan. Go Team Free Will." 

Her expression, before I banish her back to her own Heaven, is absolutely priceless.


	8. Department of Time To Do That Thing Even Though We Probably Should Not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kurovane94: I'm not ignoring you, I generally don't reply to comments in the notes or summary. Never got into the habit of doing so. Please check the comments for my replies. Thanks. 
> 
> PS: Glad you enjoy the fic, hopefully you'll like what I write in the future.

"So."

"...?"

"We really dodged a bullet with the entire Lulu, Horsemen, pre-Apocalypse thing. Can you imagine if what would have happened if Cain had gotten involved then?"

"The probability of disaster in that scenario would be astronomical."

"Or if War was still around and Deanmon ran into him? It would be like watching the last time that Dad got pissy at humanity."

"...I did not need that mental image."

"No one needs that mental image." 

"..."

"..."

"What are we going to do about Deanmon?"

"Sit around and roll some dice."

"Brother, in all seriousness-"

"We can't do anything. Purifying Dean requires human blood and _human intent_ , it won't work if one of us tries it. Actually, it might go horribly wrong if we try it."

"Please don't explain."

"Mostly likely some kind of explosi-"

"Brother, please."

"Sorry, but we can't do anything. Sam has the knowledge to save Dean, what he does with it is up to him."

"It is good that the Winchesters actually have a choice in this matter."

"Pretty much." 

"That reminds me that I have some...interesting news." 

"Oh? Do tell sibling of mine. Do tell." 

"Apparently the Fates have recently lost their Tools."

"Wait. What?"

"It is a shame, they won't be able to enforce the Plan as easily as before." 

"...gah?"

"They, of course, are rather angry but there is nothing to be done. The thief left no traces and the Fate's tracking methods have mysteriously failed." 

"You didn't."

"I did not what?"

"You crazy son of a douche. You totally did. You stole the Tools of Fate."

"..."

"I am such a good influence on you." 

"...That is a questionable statement."

"True, but I'm too happy to care at the moment." 

"...You are the reason why I drink brother." 

"I'm the reason why a lot of our siblings drink. And I'm proud of it. And of you."

"Of course you are."


	9. Department of This Is So Weird That It Kind Of Funny But Also Kind Of Disturbing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> derpy derpy derp. 
> 
> Note: Comments in English please. I am a stupid American and can't read other languages.

"I just realized something."

"What is that, oh sister of mine?"

"Our Dad is a complete yandere."

"..."

"..."

"...That makes way too much sense."

"I wonder which Winchesters are His 'beloved Sempai-Samas'."

"Probably just Dean and Sam, He hasn't paid any attention to Adam since the Apocalypse rolled over and died."

"Good for Adam."

"Sucks for Dean and Sam." 

"True."

"Ugh, the more I think about it, the more disgusting I feel."

"Imagine how I feel brother. I had to compile an entire list of incidents that proved that Dad is a yandere before our brother believed me."

"Ouch." 

"We are out of brain bleach by the way. Not that using it helped at all."

"That...is extremely disturbing." 

"You want to read the list?"

"Sure, it isn't like I use my brain all that often anyway."

"You sure don't."

"I would argue, but you are right."

"Of course I am."

"..."

"..."

"Nerd."

"Idiot."

"Douche."

"No, that would be Dad."

"Up top sister."

*Celestial high five occurs. A new star is made in the resulting explosion.*

"So, do you agree with my examples?"

"I wish I didn't."

"You read the 'Everyone around Sempai must die' section didn't you."

"I feel unclean."

"So do I brother. So do I."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from "Why Our Douchebag Father Is A Yandere"
> 
> \- Won't share Sempai with family (ex. Look up Apocalypse: Lucifer and Sam, Michael and Dean)  
> \- Kills everyone that Sempai might love (ex. John and Mary Winchester, Bobby Singer, Charlie Bradbury, Meg, ect.)  
> \- Is helpful only when it suits Him (Any time Dean/Sam may be in real danger. Please note that "real danger" is subjective)


	10. Department of We Are Very Afraid Of Female Parental Units

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter. I started school again, so I don't have time to write.

"Broooooother."

"Yes?"

"Why is Mary Winchester in the Archives?" 

"I brought her there." The implied 'are you an idiot' is hilarious in its obviousness. "Why else would a mortal soul be in this Paradise."

"...you do know she can see everything that has happened in the Archives."

"I do."

"So.....?"

"It occurred to me that our Father is unlikely to be able to ignore a sufficiently motivated individual whom He cannot control."

"Cannot contro-oh, I forgot that the Winchester family is pretty much immune to Dad after true death." 

"It seems to be more of a blessing than anything else."

"So what do you hav-"

*Both Unnamed are interrupted by an incandescent shriek of maternal wrath. Dark storm clouds form, raining fire and ice from the Paradise's skies.*

"I guess she saw the part where Dean takes the Mark." 

"Actually brother, I believe her rage has to do with seeing Sam threw himself into Hell to trap Lulu."

"Huh, how angry do you think she is going to be after this?"

"There are not enough numbers in the world brother."

"Eh, either way Dad is so fucked."

"Indeed."

"..."

"..."

"I guess I'll go and make popcorn for when the fight breaks out."

"Please do brother."

**Author's Note:**

> Torture Castiel more. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy in my blood pump.


End file.
